Sunday, December 14, 2014


December 1, 2014

The obnoxious Eagles fan is, by his or her very nature, a Neanderthal. There are many of them. And they are, quite frankly, stupid people. I don’t mean that in a fun, light-hearted and teasing kind of way. They really are quite dumb. And since I assume some of them might be reading this, I will try not to use any really big words or get too deep in thought. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, we’ll keep things simple for all of you simpletons.

Though as an organization, the Eagles often put quality teams on the field, it is, sadly, their Cro-Magnon fans that usually get the most attention. Of course, that’s probably because the team itself has never won a Super Bowl and has not won an NFL Championship in 54 years. Thus, in order to get some sort of recognition as a franchise, their small-minded fans, who often lack even the most basic of social graces, look to become the center of attention. And, being that they are fully aware that are perceived by civilized society as boorish clowns , they try to prove people wrong by:

1) Proving that they can spell at the first-grade level.  (See:  ”E-A-G-L-E-S.”)

2) Coming up with lame-ass expressions such as “Fly Eagles Fly.”  Because, you know, nothing says “NFL tough” more than the image of a grown man flapping his arms like a bird.

If it wasn’t so damn pathetic, it would be funny.

(Well, OK, it’s still funny.)

I was at a Philadelphia/Dallas game once at the old Veterans Stadium and saw this guy in his twenties marching towards the stadium, alone, wearing an Eagles helmet. The look on his face was intense. He looked as if he was ready to get on the field and play. I’m sure he thought he was cool, or perhaps even intimidating.

He looked like a moron.

But perhaps that’s why he also seemed to fit right in.

Just like life itself, social media has also been unkind to the obnoxious Eagle fan. Many still feel it is perfectly acceptable to refer to the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys as “Homo.”  It is a weak, feeble and pathetic attempt at making a humorous play on words, because his last name is actually Romo. But, because they use the “H” word as an intended insult, all they do is reveal who and what they really are, and that they are unaware that it is a bigoted and hurtful word to millions of Americans. Most people in the 21st century know this. The obnoxious Eagle fan, of course, does not.

The obnoxious Eagle fan will also use the term “Cowgirls” to describe the Dallas Cowboys.  That one seems innocent enough. But, man, it’s just so damn weak. It lacks any creativity or pizzazz. My initial thought when I see it is, “C’mon, man. You can do better.”  But then I realize the sad truth, and that when your mind is permanently stunted at the kindergarten level, you really can’t do any better. Still, I do find it annoying, and whenever I see someone use the “Romo/Homo” thing on Facebook, or “Cowgirls,” I delete them from my friends list. And the reason is simple: I probably like the Dallas Cowboys much more than I like them. I don’t really like ignorant Archie Bunker-type people, and so, if you are one of them, and you read this, and you want to delete me, knock yourself out.

 You will not be missed.

We’ve all heard all of the stories about the obnoxious Eagles fans, and how they helped make the Eagles the first and only team in NFL history to actually have a magistrate placed inside the stadium during games, so that when people were arrested for disorderly behavior, they could be fined on the spot. We’ve also heard about hitting other fans with batteries and snowballs, including children. I’m not sure what leads to all of that. How would I? I am a human being. They are not. But I do think being 0-48 since the start of the Super Bowl has something to with it. The obnoxious Eagle fan is, in some ways, like a 19 year-old young man, bristling with testosterone, but never gets laid. And over the course of five decades, it’s turned him into a raging lunatic. Derek Jeter recently said that he noticed a big change with the fans in Boston after they finally won a few championships. But the obnoxious Eagles fan still waits. And waits. And waits. I’d like to say I wish they’d just win a damn championship already, but it’s not true. I enjoy the anguish. I enjoy the suffering.

The funny thing is, for many obnoxious Eagles fans, their bark is much worse than their bite. I once went into old Vet wearing all of my Dallas attire. I was warned by some people not do  it, but I wasn’t about to change my way of doing things because of a bunch of people who, for some reason, seem to take great pride in the fact they know how to make cheese steak sandwiches. (I mean really people, it’s a cheese steak. I knew how to make them when I was 12.) Oddly, I had no problems at the Vet that day. Perhaps their not so bad-ass when you’re 6’2 and have a look on your face that says, “Don’t even think about it you pathetic piece of filth.”


That same day was the day that Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin played for the last time. A long pre-existing neck issue, which he never knew anything about, was aggravated during the game. I was watching him on the very play that it happened. It was not because of any fierce hit put on him by an Eagle. He simply came down on his neck on a short cross route in an awkward way, and for quite some time, he lay motionless on the field.  An ambulance was brought out, his neck was immobilized, and players from both the Eagles and Cowboys knelt in prayer. It was pretty much the most frightening thing that can happen to a football player. And as it was happening, the Eagles fans cheered.

This, I can 100-percent guarantee, would not happen in any other city in the NFL.

Again, I go back to that word: Neanderthals.

What’s that old joke?

Question:  “What did Charles Darwin say when he attended an Eagles game?”

Answer:  “See, I told ya.”

I also wrote this one:

Question: Two obnoxious Eagles fans are both tossed from the top of a building in downtown Philadelphia at the same time. Which one hits the ground first?

Answer: “Who cares?”

After the Michael Irvin game, I wrote an editorial for the newspaper about the Eagles and their fans. The headline read: “Losers for losers.”

It may have been too kind.  

Sometimes, I think the aggression that Philly fans sometimes show towards fans of opposing teams really reveals a lot about what they think about themselves. Think about it: If you went to a Giants or Jets game in New York wearing another team’s colors, you’d have few problems, if any. Why? Because a New Yorker would probably think that you were originally from the city of the team you were rooting for, but that you now live in New York, or are visiting New York, and who wouldn’t want to be in New York? So they see you as a welcome guest, or a transplant. It is expected there, and it’s no big deal. But in Philadelphia, they can’t seem to fathom the idea that someone that wasn’t from there would want to be there. And hey, maybe they – and W.C. Fields - are right on that one.

(Some of you slower Eagles fans will have to Google that reference. Type in “W.C. Fields Philadelphia.”)  

It is still funny to me how some of these pinheads think they’re cute by posting these anti-Dallas memes all over Facebook on game day. Newsflash: They’re everywhere for pretty much every team. It doesn’t make you clever to have found one. In fact, I posted a few here about the Eagles just to irritate you. Three of them, I made myself. It’s not that hard, or that impressive. Get over yourself. I know it’s tough when the greatest sports figure in your city’s history is fictional (sorry “Rocky”), but if you want to play with the big boys (Cowboys, Giants, Redskins – 11 Super Bowl titles) you need to bring better game than a meme.  

Oh yes, history. There is nothing the obnoxious Eagles fan hates more that when you talk about NFL history. Understandable, especially since Dallas has won the NFC East 17 times, nearly twice as many as Philadelphia, and has played in eight super Bowls, as compared to the Eagles two. And then there’s that big one: Dallas – five Super Bowl rings. Eagles – none. It stings. We know that. And since you’re already taking such a savage beating in this little blog, we’ll let it go at that. And hey, it’s not like you don’t have some of your own “glory years” to reflect on. You had that great 1980 team (first team in history to lose the Super Bowl to a wild card team), that great Buddy Ryan team from the late ‘80s and early ‘90s (which essentially won nothing), and that great Donavan McNabb team from the early 2000s, known best for frequently losing the NFC Championship Game and the Super Bowl.

Be prideful of such things. They suit you well. 

I remember the day after Philly lost that Super Bowl to New England, it was a bright and unseasonably warm winter morning in Pennsylvania. This disappointed me, as I had imagined all of those demoralized and downtrodden Philly fans heading to work the next morning under gloomy gray skies and in the bitter cold. Oh well, you can’t have everything.   

Unless, of course, you’re an obnoxious Eagle fan. Then, you always have everything. Just ask them. Not only do they always have a great quarterback, but they usually have two. And they are always squabbling among themselves over which one should start. It has been going on for about 25 years now. It’s funny. Also, every time they win three or four games in a row, they are “going to the Super Bowl.” Until, of course, they drop two in a row. Then, they’re all off the bandwagon.

The Cowboys and Eagles are in the same division. Unless that changes, they will always play each other twice a year. They’re often big games, but you’ll never see me countering those “Dallas Sucks” posts by Eagles fans with “Eagles Suck” posts. Why? Because, for one, it’s not true. For the most part, over the years, the Eagles have run a quality football program. And also, it’s just a simpleton-type thing to do. Kind of like questioning the toughness of a guy like Romo who has played with broken ribs, a punctured lung and fractures in his back. And as a player? Coming into this season, which has been one of his best, Romo had the highest fourth quarter passer rating of any quarterback in the NFL since 2000. Higher than Tom Brady. Higher than Peyton Manning. Higher than Drew Brees. Higher than Aaron Rodgers. Coming into this season, he had 18 fourth quarter comebacks and had led 19 game-winning drives. He's already tacked on some more this year. And he has beat the Eagles many times, including in the playoffs.

Those are the facts. And those are the things the obnoxious Eagles fan doesn't deal with very well.

I don’t hate all Eagles fans. I know plenty of them that are great people. If you noticed throughout this blog, I used the words “the obnoxious Eagle fan” several times, because that’s who these words are meant for, not some of the fine people I know that love their birds. But for the obnoxious Eagle fan, life just sucks. It has been nothing but a litany of soul crushing defeats, epic fails and demoralizing humiliation. You have been brushed aside and kicked to the curb, again and again. You have been emasculated, and for all of your loud mouth tough talk, you are, in the end, a feeble little blowhard that doesn't scare anyone. I once compared an obnoxious Eagle fan to a bucket of cat feces, but I then apologized and realized it was not a fair comparison, and I understood why the bucket of cat feces had been highly insulted.   

The obnoxious Eagles fan probably wouldn't even get that joke.  

But hey, at least we know they can spell. (See “E-A-G-L-E-S”)


(And I mean no offense to Neanderthals.)